Elder God Party in 2024

Back in the 2008 and 2012 presidential election cycles, this blog encouraged people to vote for Cthulhu for president. According to an old MIT webpage :

“Cthulhu is a large green being which resembles a human with the head of a squid, huge bat-wings, and long talons (true, that doesn’t really resemble a human, but bear with me here). [In] H. P. Lovecraft’s story ‘The Call of Cthulhu,’ Cthulhu rests in a tomb in the city of R’lyeh, which sank beneath the Pacific Ocean aeons ago. Cthulhu is dead but not truly dead, as he and his fellow inhabitants of R’lyeh sleep the aeons away…. From time to time R’lyeh comes to the surface, and Cthulhu’s dreams influence sensitive individuals across the globe to depict his image, slay, and found cults dedicated to him.”

Back then, I thought it was funny to promote Cthulhu as perhaps the worst presidential candidate anyone could conceive of. Then came the 2016 presidential election, and it didn’t seem funny any more.

As we approach 2024, the Republican Party seems to have turned into awakened Cthulhu — they’re ready to get violent with anyone they don’t agree with (“if I have to kick down doors, that’s just what patriots do”). The Democratic Party, by contrast, seems to drift ever further from their roots as the party of economic opportunity for ordinary working people — they look like Cthulhu sleeping away the aeons.

With both the Republicans and the Democrats trying to become bad imitations of an Elder God, I’ve decided it’s time to bring back the Elder God Party. Let’s get a real Elder God involved in politics. Imagine a debate between Donald Trump, Joe Biden, and Cthulhu. Cthulhu speaks first. Donald Trump starts to shout over him, and Cthulhu eats him. Joe Biden tries to inject a comment, and Cthulhu mocks him for not being vicious enough. That’s the end of the debate. After Cthulhu is declared the winner, he eats the audience.

Look at it this way. We can die a slow death from ecological disaster while ruled by an authoritarian regime. Or we can die the same slow death while under the leadership of a party that is unable to organize its followers around the obvious unifying cause. Or — we can die a really fast death by electing Cthulhu, who will simply kill everyone and eat them.

Do the right thing. Vote for a really fast death. Vote the Elder God Party in 2024.

My pick for president

I’m tired of the whining presidential candidates calling each other names. Calling each other names is so 2008. We need a REAL presidential candidate who goes beyond name-calling.

That’s why I’m supporting Cthulhu of the Elder God Party.


Of course the Mainstream Media are not taking the Elder God Party seriously. But if they did, imagine a debate with Clinton, Cruz, Sanders, Trump — and Cthulhu.

The other candidates quake in fear as Cthulhu comes on stage, its face a mass of feelers, the scaly rubbery-looking body looming over the other candidates, the prodigious claws on hind and fore feet, the long narrow wings behind. Cthulhu’s supporters begin to chant, “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!”

Donald Trump points to the Elder God and says, “I’d like to punch him in the face.” Cthulhu eats him.

Bernie Sanders shakes his finger and says, “We are living in a world where greed has become for the wealthiest people their own religion, and…” Cthulhu interrupts him by eating him.

Now only Cruz and Clinton are left standing. By this point, both are quaking in fear. But Cruz is packing a handgun, and he pulls it out, points it at Cthulhu. “If you are one of the gun grabbers and come after our guns, then what I say is ‘Come and Take it.’” One of the tentacles around Cthulhu’s mouth reaches out, takes the gun from Cruz, then pulls the screaming human into its vast mouth.

Clinton looks at the audience, all of whom are now wailing and moaning in mindless terror, then she looks up at the Elder God and says, “Everyday Americans need a champion, and I want to be that champion.” Cthulhu grasps her in one great foreclaw and eats her. It grabs Megyn Kelly and Anderson Cooper, both screaming uncontrollably, and eats them.

The next day, the polls show Cthlhu with an approval rating of over 87% from both Democrats and Republicans, and the Elder God is leading all the other candidates — though that’s a moot point, since the other major candidates are dead, and Kasich hastily concedes (glad that his poll numbers were so low he wasn’t allowed to participate in the debate). Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-un try to claim that they can take on Cthulhu, but the Elder God flies over and eats them both. Eventually Cthulhu eats all human beings — thus ending global climate change, and the threat of nuclear armageddon — and sinks back beneath the seas to wait in silence until the stars are right once again.

That’s the kinds of candidate we need to lead America. Vote Elder God Party in 2016.

Politics and Mr. Crankypants

Transciber’s note: This afternoon, Dan conducted an interview with Mr. Crankypants, his evil alter ego, and political commentator for this blog. A complete transcript of the recording of the interview follows.

Dan: Mr. Crankypants, you’ve been wandering around the apartment all day muttering strange predictions about the presidential race. I’m wondering if you could sum up your political predictions for our readers.

Mr. C.: We’re screwed.

Dan: That’s it? That’s all you have to say? Continue reading “Politics and Mr. Crankypants”

The choice for president in 2012

The presidential election campaign has already begun. Have you noticed? Mr. Crankypants has noticed. The Iowa straw polls — that’s where presidential hopefuls stuff scarecrows with straw and party hacks judge them on how scary they are (where “they” may refer to scarecrows, presidential hopefuls, or party hacks) — have already happened. New Hampshire is already trying to boost tourism in the state by creating a presidential-hopefuls petting zoo. And the presidential hopefuls are praying in public and raising the Christian banner, while at the same time refusing to join a church (Obama) or refusing to tithe (Rick Perry, Michele Bachman, and many others).

But as far as Mr. Crankypants is concerned, both major political parties are not worth endorsing. They are boring. Their candidates speak badly in public. Their candidates exhibit depressingly few signs of psychopathology. Therefore, just as in the last election, Mr. Crankypants will be endorsing a third party candidate: Cthulhu of the Great Old Ones Party.

The Great Old Ones Party has a refreshing party slogan: “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn,” which is translated as “In his house at R’lyeh sleeping Cthulhu waits dreaming” — dreaming of how he will devour all humanity once he gets in office. The Great Old Ones Party has a refreshing economic proposal: after vigintillions of years, great Cthulhu will be set loose on the world, ravening with delight; this will put an end to economic woes by putting an end to the economy. And finally, the Great Old Ones Party has a refreshing proposal for ending the gridlock between Congress and the White House: Cthulhu will eat everyone in the House and Senate.

Now you may say that the Great Old Ones Party seems indistinguishable from the Republican and Democratic Parties. But Cthulhu is different. Where the Republicans merely claim they will make government smaller, Cthulhu will actually eat elected representatives, as well as ever federal employee he can grab with his writhing tentacles, thus literally making government smaller. Where the Democrats merely claim that they will tame Wall Street and Big Business, Cthulhu will actually do so, by eating bankers, billionaires, and plutocrats alive. And unlike the Republicans and Democrats, there is no hypocrisy about Cthulhu: he is evil, he admits it, and he glories in it.

Mr. Crankypants is sure you’ll agree. Support Cthulhu! Vote the Great Old Ones Party ticket in the 2012 election!