My pick for president

I’m tired of the whining presidential candidates calling each other names. Calling each other names is so 2008. We need a REAL presidential candidate who goes beyond name-calling.

That’s why I’m supporting Cthulhu of the Elder God Party.


Of course the Mainstream Media are not taking the Elder God Party seriously. But if they did, imagine a debate with Clinton, Cruz, Sanders, Trump — and Cthulhu.

The other candidates quake in fear as Cthulhu comes on stage, its face a mass of feelers, the scaly rubbery-looking body looming over the other candidates, the prodigious claws on hind and fore feet, the long narrow wings behind. Cthulhu’s supporters begin to chant, “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!”

Donald Trump points to the Elder God and says, “I’d like to punch him in the face.” Cthulhu eats him.

Bernie Sanders shakes his finger and says, “We are living in a world where greed has become for the wealthiest people their own religion, and…” Cthulhu interrupts him by eating him.

Now only Cruz and Clinton are left standing. By this point, both are quaking in fear. But Cruz is packing a handgun, and he pulls it out, points it at Cthulhu. “If you are one of the gun grabbers and come after our guns, then what I say is ‘Come and Take it.’” One of the tentacles around Cthulhu’s mouth reaches out, takes the gun from Cruz, then pulls the screaming human into its vast mouth.

Clinton looks at the audience, all of whom are now wailing and moaning in mindless terror, then she looks up at the Elder God and says, “Everyday Americans need a champion, and I want to be that champion.” Cthulhu grasps her in one great foreclaw and eats her. It grabs Megyn Kelly and Anderson Cooper, both screaming uncontrollably, and eats them.

The next day, the polls show Cthlhu with an approval rating of over 87% from both Democrats and Republicans, and the Elder God is leading all the other candidates — though that’s a moot point, since the other major candidates are dead, and Kasich hastily concedes (glad that his poll numbers were so low he wasn’t allowed to participate in the debate). Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-un try to claim that they can take on Cthulhu, but the Elder God flies over and eats them both. Eventually Cthulhu eats all human beings — thus ending global climate change, and the threat of nuclear armageddon — and sinks back beneath the seas to wait in silence until the stars are right once again.

That’s the kinds of candidate we need to lead America. Vote Elder God Party in 2016.

Politics and Mr. Crankypants

Transciber’s note: This afternoon, Dan conducted an interview with Mr. Crankypants, his evil alter ego, and political commentator for this blog. A complete transcript of the recording of the interview follows.

Dan: Mr. Crankypants, you’ve been wandering around the apartment all day muttering strange predictions about the presidential race. I’m wondering if you could sum up your political predictions for our readers.

Mr. C.: We’re screwed.

Dan: That’s it? That’s all you have to say? Continue reading “Politics and Mr. Crankypants”

The choice for president in 2012

The presidential election campaign has already begun. Have you noticed? Mr. Crankypants has noticed. The Iowa straw polls — that’s where presidential hopefuls stuff scarecrows with straw and party hacks judge them on how scary they are (where “they” may refer to scarecrows, presidential hopefuls, or party hacks) — have already happened. New Hampshire is already trying to boost tourism in the state by creating a presidential-hopefuls petting zoo. And the presidential hopefuls are praying in public and raising the Christian banner, while at the same time refusing to join a church (Obama) or refusing to tithe (Rick Perry, Michele Bachman, and many others).

But as far as Mr. Crankypants is concerned, both major political parties are not worth endorsing. They are boring. Their candidates speak badly in public. Their candidates exhibit depressingly few signs of psychopathology. Therefore, just as in the last election, Mr. Crankypants will be endorsing a third party candidate: Cthulhu of the Great Old Ones Party.

The Great Old Ones Party has a refreshing party slogan: “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn,” which is translated as “In his house at R’lyeh sleeping Cthulhu waits dreaming” — dreaming of how he will devour all humanity once he gets in office. The Great Old Ones Party has a refreshing economic proposal: after vigintillions of years, great Cthulhu will be set loose on the world, ravening with delight; this will put an end to economic woes by putting an end to the economy. And finally, the Great Old Ones Party has a refreshing proposal for ending the gridlock between Congress and the White House: Cthulhu will eat everyone in the House and Senate.

Now you may say that the Great Old Ones Party seems indistinguishable from the Republican and Democratic Parties. But Cthulhu is different. Where the Republicans merely claim they will make government smaller, Cthulhu will actually eat elected representatives, as well as ever federal employee he can grab with his writhing tentacles, thus literally making government smaller. Where the Democrats merely claim that they will tame Wall Street and Big Business, Cthulhu will actually do so, by eating bankers, billionaires, and plutocrats alive. And unlike the Republicans and Democrats, there is no hypocrisy about Cthulhu: he is evil, he admits it, and he glories in it.

Mr. Crankypants is sure you’ll agree. Support Cthulhu! Vote the Great Old Ones Party ticket in the 2012 election!