I’m tired of the whining presidential candidates calling each other names. Calling each other names is so 2008. We need a REAL presidential candidate who goes beyond name-calling.
That’s why I’m supporting Cthulhu of the Elder God Party.
Of course the Mainstream Media are not taking the Elder God Party seriously. But if they did, imagine a debate with Clinton, Cruz, Sanders, Trump — and Cthulhu.
The other candidates quake in fear as Cthulhu comes on stage, its face a mass of feelers, the scaly rubbery-looking body looming over the other candidates, the prodigious claws on hind and fore feet, the long narrow wings behind. Cthulhu’s supporters begin to chant, “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!”
Donald Trump points to the Elder God and says, “I’d like to punch him in the face.” Cthulhu eats him.
Bernie Sanders shakes his finger and says, “We are living in a world where greed has become for the wealthiest people their own religion, and…” Cthulhu interrupts him by eating him.
Now only Cruz and Clinton are left standing. By this point, both are quaking in fear. But Cruz is packing a handgun, and he pulls it out, points it at Cthulhu. “If you are one of the gun grabbers and come after our guns, then what I say is ‘Come and Take it.’” One of the tentacles around Cthulhu’s mouth reaches out, takes the gun from Cruz, then pulls the screaming human into its vast mouth.
Clinton looks at the audience, all of whom are now wailing and moaning in mindless terror, then she looks up at the Elder God and says, “Everyday Americans need a champion, and I want to be that champion.” Cthulhu grasps her in one great foreclaw and eats her. It grabs Megyn Kelly and Anderson Cooper, both screaming uncontrollably, and eats them.
The next day, the polls show Cthlhu with an approval rating of over 87% from both Democrats and Republicans, and the Elder God is leading all the other candidates — though that’s a moot point, since the other major candidates are dead, and Kasich hastily concedes (glad that his poll numbers were so low he wasn’t allowed to participate in the debate). Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-un try to claim that they can take on Cthulhu, but the Elder God flies over and eats them both. Eventually Cthulhu eats all human beings — thus ending global climate change, and the threat of nuclear armageddon — and sinks back beneath the seas to wait in silence until the stars are right once again.
That’s the kinds of candidate we need to lead America. Vote Elder God Party in 2016.