The fourth and final installment of the Contestants on a Game Show! series:
Here’s the full script as written, though some parts got changed or left out during performance and editing:
Aarav: Last week, you guys invited me to play Celebrity Family Feud with you, so we could raise money for the congregation. But I don’t think we were actually on Celebrity Family Feud.
Emma: It was really more like a game show.
Sarah K.: And they called it “Celebrity Family FOOD.”
John: And it was all questions about famous Unitarian cooks. What was really going on?
Greg [or Dan, if Greg can’t make it]: Well, actually, you WERE on a game show. It was just a game show from a parallel universe. In that parallel universe, there IS a game show called “Celebrity Family FOOD.”
Sarah D.: You see, the two of us are actually Time Lords.
Greg: In our universe, we are called “Eternals.” Our job is to make sure that everything goes smoothly.
Sarah D.: But in your universe, you don’t have any Time Lords.
Greg: Except on television programs.
Sarah D.: Which means that lots of things go wrong in your universe.
Greg: Yes, in YOUR universe, you have pandemics, and racism, and people who don’t think science is real.
John: Wait a minute. You’re saying you’re from another universe?
Sarah D.: Yes. We’re from another universe.
Aarav: So we won all that money in another universe?
Greg: Yes. In OUR universe, your congregation won over a hundred thousand dollars.
Emma: You mean we can’t have any of that money?
Sarah D.: No, you can’t.
Sarah K.: That doesn’t seem fair.
Greg: It ISN’T fair. Unfortunately, there is a lot of unfairness in your universe.
John: Well, isn’t there a lot of unfairness in YOUR universe?
Sarah D.: No, there is NO unfairness in our universe.
Greg: Of course, there’s also no freedom in our universe.
Sarah D.: No freedom at all. You have to do what you’re told.
John: If we go to YOUR universe, we get the money, but we have to do whatever you say, right?
Sarah D.: That’s right.
Aarav: What if you tell us to do something we think is wrong?
Greg: Too bad. You have to do it anyway.
Aarav: That’s not fair.
Greg: Funny, it seems fair to me.
Sara K.: Thank you anyway, but I don’t think we want to go to your universe.
Greg: But that means you still won’t have enough money for your congregation. If you come to OUR universe, you can have all the money you want. Of course, you can’t be Unitarian Universalists, because we would tell you what religion you could be.
Emma: We’ll just have to raise the money ourselves. That way, we get to choose what religion we want to be.
Aarav: Besides, I think your way of doing things in unfair.
Sarah D.: It looks like we’re wasting our time here.
Greg: I agree. Let’s go back to our own universe.
[10 seconds of Greg smiling at the camera]
[10 seconds of Sarah D. smiling at the camera]
Sarah K.: I’ve often seen a person without a grin.
Emma: But a grin without a person! What an odd thing to see.
Aarav: Even though we lost all that money, I’m glad they’re gone.
John: Yes, I agree. Rather than having their money, I prefer the freedom to CHOOSE to do what WE think is right.