The third installment of the Contestants on a Game Show! series:
Here’s the full script as written, though it may have been modified in performance or in editing:
John: So far we’ve made two hundred and ten thousand, one hundred dollars for our congregation by appearing on game shows.
Sarah: This week, we’re going to try Celebrity Family Feud.
Emma: Aarav, we want you to be part of our family.
Aarav: I’m willing. But we’re not exactly celebrities.
John: Once we’re on TV, we’re automatically celebrities. Let’s go!
[Greg appears to wild applause, bowing to the audience, while the Announcer speaks offscreen] Announcer: It’s time for Celebrity Family Food! Introducing Aarav, Emma, John, and Sarah playing for UUCPA! Playing against Fannie Farmer! And now, the star of our show, Greg Becker!
Sarah: Did he just say “Celebrity Family FOOD”?
Greg: Welcome to Celebrity Family Food!
Aarav: Yes, he just said “Celebrity Family FOOD.” What’s going on here?
Greg: Now it’s time to play — Fast Money! Fannie Farmer, I’m going to ask you three questions about Unitarian food in 20 seconds. If you can’t think of an answer, just say pass.
Sarah (as Fannie Farmer): I’m ready.
Greg: Tell them what you’re playing for.
Sarah: Twenty five thousand dollars.
Greg: All right, here are your questions. What famous Unitarian published a cookbook in 1896?
Sarah: I published my cookbook in 1896, and it’s still in print.
Greg: Who introduced the idea of standardized measurements in cooking?
Sarah: I said that you should use a LEVEL teaspoon, so it was always the same amount.
Greg: Who printed the first recipe for brownies?
Sarah: I didn’t invent the brownie. But my cookbook had the very first recipe for a brownie.
John: This is weird. Isn’t he supposed to say, “Survey says,” and then show how many people answered the question in the same way?
Aarav: I don’t think this is Celebrity Family Feud, guys. It’s like we’ve entered some kind of weird alternate universe.
Greg: Now it’s time for the UUCPA team to answer some Unitarian food questions.
Emma: Can I ask you a question?
Greg: Sure, ask me a question!
Emma: Aren’t you the same person who the host of the last game show we were on?
Greg: Don’t ask me a question. I’m going to ask you questions about Unitarian food. Since there are four of you, you get four questions. Which famous Unitarian printed a cookbook with a recipe for roasted opossum?
Aarav: Irma Rombauer, in her cookbook The Joy of Cooking.
Greg: What famous Unitarian got the help of her women’s group at church to write her cookbook?
Sarah: Irma Rombauer.
Greg: Marion Rombauer Becker, who grew up in a Unitarian church, wrote the fifth edition of The Joy of Cooking. What was her mother’s name?
John: Irma Rombauer.
Greg: Here’s your last question….
Emma: Irma Rombauer.
Greg: I didn’t even ask the question.
Emma: Irma Rombauer.
Greg: Well, that happens to be correct, so you beat Fannie Farmer and win twenty-five thousand dollars!
Aarav: Is this game show legit?
Greg: What do you mean?
Aarav: This doesn’t look anything like the real Family Feud.
Sarah: Yes, what’s going on?
Greg: Well, actually….
Announcer: Tune in next week, and find out what’s actually going on!