The second installment of the Contestants on a Game Show! video series:
Here’s the full script as written, though it may have been modified in performance or in editing:
Announcer: And now, here he is, the one, the only, Groucho Becker!
Groucho: Oh, brother, what I know about him. Oh, that’s me! [Audience applause]
Groucho: Well, here I am again with a chance for our contestants to win ten thousand bucks. No contestant ever won ten thousand dollars, they’re either dumb, or we’re crooked. And if any of them say the secret word, the duck will pay them a hundred dollars.
DUCK DROPS DOWN WITH THE SECRET WORD: “NAME”
Groucho: OK, Duck, oh ree-vwah. (to audience) He’s a French duck.
Announcer: Groucho, we have John, Emma, and Sarah from Silicon Valley. Folks, come in here and meet — Groucho Becker.
Groucho: What made you want to come on this show?
John: We’re raising money for our congregation.
Groucho: Is that right? Now, Sarah, what do you do?
Sarah: I’m a student at Mountain View High School.
Groucho: I didn’t know they had any students at Mountain View High School. (looks at audience for laugh) John, are you a student too?
John: Yes, I study history.
Groucho: You know, I’ve noticed that most historical figures are dead. Is that true?
John: Yes, but can I just say that you remind me of someone?
Groucho: I hope I remind you of me. Now Emma, what profession are you studying for?
Emma: Artist. Umm, may I say a few words?
Groucho: Sure, go ahead.
Emma: Food. Smile. Tree. Room. Street. [she looks up for the duck] I didn’t get it.
Groucho: What kind of artist did you say you wanted to be?
Emma: A painter.
Groucho: I was thinking maybe con artist. And now let’s play You Bet Your Life. If you get four right answers in a row, you win ten thousand dollars. You selected Unitarian Universalist History. Who stayed with the Universalist Nathan Johnson on his first night as a free man?
John: Frederick Douglass!
Groucho: That’s right! What Unitarian Universalist theologian wrote the book “Is God a White Racist?”
Sarah: William R. Jones.
Groucho: That’s correct. This congregation that you’re raising money for, is it Unitarian Universalist?
John: Why, yes.
Groucho: I could have guessed that. Which Unitarian Universalist won two Nobel prizes, one in Chemistry, one in Peace?
Emma: His name was Linus Pauling.
DUCK DROPS DOWN
Groucho: NOW you said the secret word. (Hands money to them) You three split a hundred dollars.
John, Sarah, and Emma: Thank you!
Groucho: You have three right answers, one more and you win ten thousand dollars. You sure you don’t want to change topics?
John: No, not really.
Groucho: I could ask you questions about something you know nothing about.
Sarah: No, that’s OK.
Groucho: If you answer this question correctly, you win ten thousand dollars. Which Unitarian was the most famous African American author of her day?
John: Sarah Watkins Harper.
Groucho: That’s correct. That’s ten thousand dollars. Go ahead, give ’em the money.
[Announcer hands them the money]
John: Thank you!
Sarah: We’ll give this money to our congregation.
Emma: If I say “name” again, do we get another hundred dollars for our congregation?
Groucho: No. It’s been a pleasure to have you on the show, now get out of here.
Sarah: Did you notice that Groucho looked a lot like the game show host from last week?…