Rites of passage – Dan Harper

Major rites of passage within the Unitarian Universalist tradition include welcoming children, marriage, and memorial services. Sample services may be found on this page; actual services would be modified for specific families.

Welcoming children
Marriage
Memorial services

WELCOMING CHILDREN

Child dedications

In the Unitarian Universalist tradition, children are usually formally named and welcomed into the religious community in a ceremony known as a “child dedication.” The child dedication comes primarily from our Universalist heritage; as early as 1770, Universalist John Murray saw no justification for baptizing babies, and instead chose to create a naming ceremony in which the congregation dedicated children to the highest ideals (Murray would have said, dedicated children to God). By the 19th C., midwestern Unitarians were combining flower ceremonies with what they called “christenings”; although some Unitarians were also saying they “dedicated” children. In the late 20th C., the Unitarians and Universalists joined forces, and many Unitarian Universalists felt no need to mention God in their naming ceremonies.

Child dedications have now taken on several interrelated meanings:
We welcome children into the world, and into the religious community, by formally giving them their name;
We dedicate children to the highest ideals of life;
The congregation dedicates itself to supporting the parents/guardians and the child/ren, as the child/ren grows up;
We rededicate ourselves to creating a more sane and just world, a world in which all children are welcomed and may thrive.

Some Unitarian Universalist parents/guardians may want their child/ren to be christened. Christening is less common now among Unitarian Universalists, but may be preferred by Unitarian Universalists who consider themselves Christian. The christening differs from a child dedication chiefly in the prayer; a sample prayer for a christening may be seen here.

Child dedication

Here is a typical child dedication as I would do it. The child dedication is normally a part of the regular worship service, and comes after the opening hymn and before children go off to Sunday school.

Introduction

We have set aside a time in our worship service this morning to welcome a new child to the world [if older child: “to formally welcome a new child to this religious community”]. Could the parents [and godparents/sponsors] of ________ please come forward?

[Parents/guardians bring child to front of church, accompanied by godparents/sponsors.]

Opening words

Humanity is our responsibility, human beings are that part of the total universe that we can do something about. Perhaps we cannot make heaven be so, but to our children we can give our love, our care, our respect.
(adapted from words by Kenneth Patton)

Reading

(Chosen for the specific ceremony. The following reading is provided as an example:)

Charles and I were driving up a country road. All around us in the distance were great mountain peaks.

“What a view!” I said. “Look at the mountains, Charles.”

But I instantly knew that, at the age of eighteen months, he couldn’t possibly look at the mountains and there was absolutely nothing I could do to make him see them. The only mountain within his range of vision is the slight rise in the path going out to the swing. This “mountain” is just as exciting to him as mine are to me. The infinitesimal piece of mica that lies on his “mountain” and catches the sun, and the tiny ant that is tugging a crumb of his cooky away — these hold him spellbound. These are the proper objects of his curiosity now.

He’ll get to my mountains in time, and with the same zest and wonder that he now shows, if I don’t rush him….

Children are naturally curious about the really profound mysteries and deeply appreciative of universal and enduring values. But we should have the patience not to talk over their heads or beyond their experience. If we had a higher regard for human nature and a greater trust in reality, we would not be in such a hurry.

Often, it seem that we adults are afraid to let the children probe the perplexing aspects of experience. We are afraid of the honesty and frankness of children, which, when allowed free expression, so often exposes the incompleteness of our knowledge and the parochialism of so many of our values. Their simple logic and clear young vision are apt to reveal our careless thinking and the yawning gaps between our ideals and social reality. We feel as exposed as the emperor in his new clothes.

Edith Hunter, Conversations with Children (Hunter was a Unitarian religious educator and writer.)

Naming

[If the child is a baby, usually I would hold him or her for the naming.]

Minister: What is the name of this child?

[Parents give name of child.]

Minister: ________________, we welcome you and we give you this name as yours forever.

You are unique. There is no one else like you in the entire world. Your parents and your family welcome you in all your uniqueness. We give you this rose, different from every other rose in the world, as a symbol of your uniqueness.

We welcome you to this community. Water is the stuff of life, water connects all living things, all of humanity. The rose is dipped in water to symbolize your essential connection with all of us in this community.

(I touch the rose to the child’s forehead, and give the rose to the child. Then I give the baby back to the parents/guardians to hold.)
Prayer

Let us join our hearts together in the spirit of prayer and meditation.

We give thanks for this new life that has come among us. Each new child brings us new hope for a new beginning. We see the great potential that lies in every human life, and we know this child will bring [his/her] unique gifts to humanity, if we help [him/her] to do so. May we recognize and nurture the unique gifts of this child. And through all the challenges and joys to come, may this child’s life be blessed with hope and courage and love.

Litany of dedication

Minister: ______________, we welcome you among us.

All: We give thanks for your new life, and for the new hope you bring.

Minister: We will appreciate your uniqueness, we will teach you and learn from you, we will love you and respect you.

Congregation [including godparents]: We will delight in your accomplishments, we will share in your sorrows, we will encourage you in every way as you grow into adulthood.

[Godparents: We promise to be always available for you and your parents in the journeys and adventures ahead, and we promise you our loving presence in your life.]

Parents/Guardians: We, your parents, love you with all our hearts, and dedicate ourselves to do all that we can to share with you the beauty and the goodness of life.
All: We will support you and your parents through all the experiences of life.

Closing words

May the truth that sets us free,
And the hope that never dies,
And the love that casts out fear
Be with us now
Until the dayspring breaks,
And the shadows flee away.

Prayer for a christening

Let join our hearts together in the spirit of prayer. Dear God, who is both mother and father, the spirit of eternal and universal love: We give thanks for this new life that has come among us. Each new child brings us new hope for a new beginning. We see the great potential that lies in every human life, and we know this child will bring [his/her] unique gifts to humanity, if we help [him/her] to do so. May we recognize and nurture the unique gifts of this child. And through all the challenges and joys to come, may this child’s life be blessed with hope and courage and love.

MARRIAGE

Below is a typical Unitarian Universalist wedding service. At a minimum, a wedding must include the intention, the exchange of vows, and the pronouncement. For a handfasting service, click here.

WEDDING SERVICE

In the Unitarian Universalist tradition, weddings may vary considerably from one couple to another. Below you’ll find an order of service for a typical Unitarian Universalist wedding as I would lead it. (Wedding services by other Unitarian Universalist ministers might be substantially different.) This service is informed by my understanding of feminist theology (i.e., when it comes to religion women are just as important as men), and it is informed by my strong support for equal marriage rights for same sex couples (i.e., the same service is used regardless of the gender of the members of the couple). If you would like me to officiate at your wedding, remember that due to my congregational duties, my weekend schedule fills up as much as 12 months in advance.

This wedding service contains material gathered from many sources. The prayer/ meditation is copyrighted by Antoine de St. Exupery, and is included here under fair use provisions of copyright law (excerpt, consisting of less than 500 words, of a longer work). All other material is in the public domain to the best of my knowledge; if any copyrighted material is included here in error, please notify me so that I may credit the copyright holder. And you are perfectly welcome to copy this service and use it yourself!

Prelude

[Chosen in consultation with the musician]

Opening words

We are gathered here today to recognize and celebrate the marriage of _______ and _______. Marriage is a bold and courageous act, one I know _______ and _______ do not undertake lightly. They are here today only after long and careful reflection. We are privileged to share this joyous event with them today, and our presence is a sign of support for this decision.

The intimate, yet public, nature of this ceremony reminds us that none of us exists in isolation. We are social beings. Our identities, even our very existence, only comes about because our family and friends, the relationships that nurture and define us. It is through community that we call into being the power of love to build bridges of human caring, to make us feel whole, to allow us to feel at home in the universe.

So it is that marriage cannot exist in isolation from family, friends, community. And so it is that I ask you, _____________ [parents or equivalent], do you welcome _______ as a member of your family circle and pledge your support to this new home?

_____________ [parents or equivalent], do you welcome _______ as a member of your family circle and pledge your support to this new home?

And I ask all who are gathered here, do you promise to support _______ and _______ in their new shared life? If so, please answer, “We do.”

Prayer/ Meditation

Let us enter into the spirit of prayer and meditation, hearing these words from the poet Antoine de St. Exupery:

In a house which becomes a home, one hands down and another up, the heritage of mind and heart, laughter and tears, musings and deeds.

Love, like a carefully loaded ship, crosses the gulf between the generations. Therefore we do not neglect the ceremonies of our passage:

When we wed and when we die, and when we are blessed with a child; when we depart and when we return, when we plant and when we harvest.

We live not by things but by the meaning of things. It is needful to transmit the passwords from generation to generation.

Readings

[Specific to the couple]

Reflection

[Specific to the couple. I writes this reflection, or homily, after getting to know each couple.]

Intention

Now we come to that part of the ceremony where each member of this couple voices their affection for each other, and where they call into being the devotion needed to sustain their marriage in the years ahead. We now engage, — with our eyes and ears, with our hearts and minds, with our bodies near one another in this place — we engage in the creation of family.

_______ and _______, it is now time to begin your passage into marriage, by declaring your intent to marry and then by making your vows to one another. You have invited us to share this wedding ceremony with you, and to witness the happiness you have found in each other. We know that the commitment between you is already strong. Are you now ready to begin your passage into marriage?

We are.

Vows

[Specific to the couple. Sample vows may be found below.]

Exchange of rings

May I have _______’s ring, please? [minister holds ring in hand] The circle is the symbol of the sun and the earth and the universe. It is a symbol of holiness and of perfection and of peace. This ring is a symbol of unity, in which your two lives are now joined in one unbroken circle. _______, please place this ring on _______’s finger and repeat after me:

I give you this ring to wear upon your hand as a symbol of our unity.

Pronouncement

Inasmuch as _______ and _______ have grown in knowledge and love of one another, because they have agreed in their desire to go forward in life together, seeking an ever richer, deepening relationship, and because they have pledged themselves to meet sorrow and joy as one family, we rejoice to recognize them as joined together in marriage.

Closing words

[Other closing words may be found below.]

Tomorrow is unto us as a door to be opened,
as a journey, an adventure.
Tomorrow is a springtime and a harvest-time,
and the grain to be gathered is life,
and the flowers and fruit are harmony and understanding.

Amen.

Postlude

HANDFASTING SERVICE

In the Unitarian Universalist tradition, handfasting ceremonies may vary considerably from one couple to another. Below you’ll find a sample Unitarian Universalist handfasting ceremony as I would lead it. (Handfasting ceremonies by other Unitarian Universalist ministers might be substantially different.) If you would like your handfasting ceremony to serve as a legal marriage, I will sign marriage licenses for handfastings at which I officiate.

The ceremony below draws elements from neo-pagan handfasting ceremonies, traditional European handfasting ceremonies, and earth-centered Unitarian Universalism. This ceremony is not gender-specific. You are welcome to use any or all of this ceremony on your own. To the best of my knowledge, everything here is either in the public domain, or written by me and available to you to use.

As you read over this service, please remember that I am a Unitarian Universalist minister, not a Wiccan priestess, Vodoun priest, etc. If you want elements from a specific neo-pagan traditions, we should talk about whether it is appropriate for me to conduct such elements, so I can avoid misappropriating cultural/religious elements.

Intention

A____ and B____, the deepest root of handfasting is common consent. Now is the time for you two to give your consent and declare your intent to join your lives together. You have invited us to share this ceremony with you, and to witness the happiness you have found in each other. We know that the commitment between you is already strong. Are you ready to begin this ceremony?

We are.

Web of Life

[The couple exchange a red rose, other red flower, or evergreen bough with some bit of red in it. (Ideally, these plants would be locally grown, collected from a garden or the wild.)]

Exchanging the Rose / Flowers: for seasons when local flowers are in bloom

This red rose/flower, the color of passion, is unique and like no other rose/flower in the world. A____, you are unique, and out of all the people in the world B____ has chosen to spend his/her life with you.

[Officiant hands first rose/flower to B____.]

B____, please dip this rose/flower in the water.

[B____ dips rose/flower into water.]

Water is the stuff of life, and water connects all living things, all of humanity. B____, by dipping this rose/flower in water, you symbolize your connection with A____, and with the entire Web of Life. B____, please touch this rose/flower to A____’s forehead and heart, and hand the rose/flower to him/her.

[B____ does so.]

So you two shall be connected by mind and heart and spirit and passion.—

This red rose/flower, the color of passion, is unique and like no other rose/flower in the world. B____, you are unique, and out of all the people in the world A____ has chosen to spend his/her life with you.

[Officiant hands second rose/flower to A____.]

A____, please dip this rose/flower in the water.

[A____ dips rose/flower into water.]

Water is the stuff of life, and water connects all living things, all of humanity. A____, by dipping this rose in water, you symbolize your connection with B____, and with the entire Web of Life. A____, please touch this rose/flower to B____’s forehead and heart, and hand the rose/flower to him/her.

[A____ does so.]

So you two shall be connected by mind and heart and spirit and passion.”

~ OR ~

Exchanging the Evergreen Boughs: for seasons when no local flowers are in bloom

This evergreen bough represents eternal life; this bit of red represents the passion that never dies. A____, out of all the people in the world B____ has chosen to spend all of his/her life with you.

[Officiant hands first evergreen bough to B____.]

B____, please dip this bough in the water.

[B____ dips rose into water.]

Water is the stuff of life, and water connects all living things, all of humanity. B____, by dipping this evergreen in water, you symbolize your connection with A____, and with the entire Web of Life. B____, please touch this bough to A____’s forehead and heart, and hand the bough to him/her.

[B____ does so.]

So you two shall be connected by mind and heart and spirit and passion.”

This evergreen bough represents eternal life; this bit of red represents the passion that never dies. B____, out of all the people in the world A____ has chosen to spend all of his/her life with you.

[Officiant hands second evergreen bough to A____.]

A____, please dip this bough in the water.

[A____ dips rose into water.]

Water is the stuff of life, and water connects all living things, all of humanity. A____, by dipping this evergreen in water, you symbolize your connection with B____, and with the entire Web of Life. A____, please touch this bough to B____’s forehead and heart, and hand the bough to him/her.

[A____ does so.]

So you two shall be connected by mind and heart and spirit and passion.

Exchange of rings

I give you this ring to wear upon your hand as a symbol of our unity.

Handfasting

A____ and B____, will you now join your right hands?

[They join right hands.]

A____ and B____, will you now join your left hands? Since your left hands are the hands closer to your hearts, will you place your left hands over your right hands?

[They join left hands.]

By joining your right hands and then your left hands, you have made the symbol of infinity. So may your love for one another have no limit. So may your time together have no end.

[Officiant ties a white cord around their hands. The cord should be natural fiber (i.e., not polyester or nylon). Silk or cotton is more tender than linen and hemp.]

[Here the couple reads the vows they have chosen. Sample vows may be found below.]

By placing your hands together and exchanging your vows, you have entered into covenant together. Your promises to one another have been freely given, and freely received.

Above you the stars turn in their timeless circuits;
Below you the land is solid under your feet;
Around you stand other people;
Beyond the horizon lies mountains and ocean and sky and mystery;
Behind you stand generations;
Ahead of you stretches incomprehensible time;
And within you lies love which will grow and flourish
As long as you both shall nurture it, and tend it well.
As day follows day, and year follows year, remember this:
May your love for each other be timeless as a star;
May your love stand solid in spite of storms;
May your love reach beyond you to friends and family;
May the mystery of the horizon beckon you onwards;
May you have the patience of the generations;
May you remain familiar yet incomprehensible.
This is but the beginning of your love,
May it grow and flourish forever.

[Officiant cuts the cord into two pieces, ties one piece around each person’s left hand.]

Pronouncement

Inasmuch as A____ and B____ have grown in knowledge and love of one another, because they have agreed in their desire to go forward in life together, nurturing their love so it may ever grow, and because they have pledged themselves to meet sorrow and joy as one family, we rejoice to recognize them as joined together as one (in marriage).

Closing words

[Options for closing words may be found below.]

Vows, Exchange of Rings, Closing Words

Examples of vows, exchange of rings, and closing words for weddings.

Sample Vows

1.
I, _______________, take you, _______________, to be my [wife/husband/spouse],
to have and to hold,
from this day forward,
for better and for worse,
for richer and for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish,
as long as we both shall live.

2.
I, _______________, take you, _______________, to be my [wife/husband/spouse] of my days,
to be the [mother/father/parent] of my children,
to be the companion of my house.
We shall keep together
what share of trouble and sorrow
our lives may lay upon us,
and we shall hold together
our store of goodness and beauty
and plenty and love.

3.
I, _______________, take you, _______________, in marriage,
and in so doing, commit my life to you,
encompassing all sorrows and joys,
all hardships and triumphs,
all the experiences of life;
a commitment made in love,
kept in faith,
lived in hope,
and eternally made new.

4.
I, _______________, take you, _______________,
To be my lifelong companion,
To be my love and my inspiration;
To be my partner in the struggle for a better tomorrow:
To join our voices for equality and justice and love,
To join our hands to work for justice and peace.
Together we will fulfill our aspirations and dreams
Guided by love for ourselves and humankind;
Together, we are more than two.

Exchange of Rings

1.
May I have ____________’s ring, please?
[officiant holds ring in hand]
The circle is the symbol of the sun and the earth and the universe. It is a symbol of holiness and perfection and of peace. This ring is a symbol of unity, in which your two lives are now joined in one unbroken circle. ____________, please place this ring on ____________’s finger and repeat after me:

I give you this ring to wear upon your hand as a symbol of our unity.

2.
May I have ____________’s ring, please?
[officiant holds ring in hand]
All of life is encompassed in a circle:
The sky above and the sun and moon;
The far horizon and the daily round;
The day and the night in the dome of sky;
The seasons add on to the circle of life, until death closes it.
So it is that the circle is a symbol of life, of time, of the earth.
____________, please place this ring on ____________’s finger and repeat after me:

I give you this ring to hold us together in the unbroken circle of life.

Closing words

1.
May these two find happiness in their union. May they live faithfully together, performing the vow and covenant they have made between them; and may they ever remain in sympathy and understanding: that their years may be rich in the joys of life, and their days good, and long upon the earth.

2.
Tomorrow is unto us
as a door to be opened or closed,
as a journey, as an adventure.
Tomorrow is a springtime
and a harvest time;
and the grain to be gathered is life,
and the flowers and fruit
are harmony and understanding.

3.
Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be shelter to the other.
Now you will feel no cold, for each of you will be warmth to the other.
Now there is no loneliness for you; now there is no more loneliness.
Now you are two bodies, but there is only one life before you.
Go now to your dwelling place, to enter into the days of your togetherness,
And may your days be good, and long upon the earth.

MEMORIAL SERVICES

Below is an order of service for a typical Unitarian Universalist memorial service as I would lead it. For graveside service, click here.

Prelude

Ingathering words

Lighting the flaming chalice

[Lighting the chalice is often a good role for older children or teens.]

Hymn

[Hymns about loss from Singing the Living Tradition include: #101 “Abide with me,” #336 “All my memories of love,” #27 “I am that great and fiery force,” #96 “I cannot think of them as dead,” #412 “Let hope and sorrow now unite,” #411 “Part in peace,” all from Singing the Living Tradition. Also useful is “Turn, Turn, Turn” by Pete Seeger, in How Can I Keep from Singing.

[If you prefer hymns that celebrate life, there are several good choices in Singing the Living Tradition that fit in with a memorial service or celebration of life: Morning Has Broken; This Little Light of Mine; Amazing Grace; etc.]

Readings

[Sources for readings include Singing the Living Tradition.]

Prayer

[For contemporary services, this may be called Meditation; I would typically use a poem by May Sarton. Families wishing a more traditional memorial service may choose to include the 23rd Psalm.]

Musical interlude

The story of a life

[The story of the deceased’s life. This may be written by the minister, based on conversations with family members; or the story may be told by family members or close friends; or by including short reminiscences by 3-5 family members and friends.]

Remembrances by family members

[The minister may ask those present if they would like to share memories, or this may be reminiscences by family members when the minister tells the story of the deceased’s life, or this whole section may be omitted entirely.]

Closing hymn

[See above for suggestions for hymns.]

Benediction / Closing words

[I typically use a poem by Mary Oliver.]

Postlude

GRAVESIDE SERVICE

This may be used as a graveside service following or in place of a memorial service, or as a separate service for the placing of ashes.

Here we have gathered in memory of _________ [full name], so that we may together perform one final duty of love. As an act of remembrance, with reverence and love, we have gathered to place his/her ashes/remains here in this cemetery. In so doing, we trust that somehow what was best in _________’s life will not be lost, but will rejoin the great web of creation.

Let us join together in the spirit of prayer and meditation, first by hearing familiar words from the book of Ecclesiastes, and then with a time of silence….

To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to reap;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to gain, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to throw away;
a time to rend, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.

So wrote the ancient prophet.

[Instead of the reading from Ecclesiastes, other poems may be used.]

[Time of silence following the prayer/meditation.]

In this present moment, grief and memories live side by side in our hearts. In the days and months ahead, grief can move from numbness and pain, settling to a deeper place in our hearts; so it may be that the memories of that which was best in him/her can shine forth more fully. Let us pause in silence for a moment, taking time to remember our favorite memories of _________’s life. So we may honor that which was best in _________’s life.

[At the option of the family, this may be a time for family members to share memories aloud. Or this may be a time of silence.]

There is a finality in placing _________’s remains in this place. Yet in so doing, we can release ourselves to grieve more fully, to feel more deeply, to remember more clearly, and to let ourselves learn to live out what was best in her life.

Now we place these ashes/remains in the ground; what has come from the earth goes back to the earth; so the cycle of life turns yet again.

[Place ashes or remains.]

We have truly let _________ go. Having completed this final task, may we go forth in quiet, with a measure of peace, so that we may live out our own lives with renewed memory and with deepened love for one another.

We end with these words:

May the truth that sets us free
And the hope that never dies
And the love that casts out fear
Be with us now
Until dayspring breaks
And the shadows flee away.

We have been blessed by life; go in peace. Amen.